Why Good People Cheat
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford’s June 24 statement that his year-long affair with an Argentinian woman began “innocently” has drawn both sympathy and scorn. Can you really have good intentions and still wind up in bed with someone other than your spouse? Mira Kirshenbaum, a couples’ counselor and the author of When Good People Have Affairs, says the answer is yes. She talked to TIME about why people cheat and how a broken marriage can be repaired.
You argue that the majority of people who have affairs are actually good people who just made a mistake. Isn’t that letting them off the hook?
No. They’re good people because they really are suffering. And they don’t know what to do. They want love in their life, [and] they feel that there’s something radically wrong and they don’t know how to correct it.
You note that 47% of men and 35% of women get involved either emotionally or sexually with someone other than their spouse. Do you think one type of affair — emotional or physical — is more dangerous than the other?
No. If the other person would feel betrayed, then it’s an affair, whether it’s emotional or sexual. It’s surprising: some people feel less betrayed by a sexual affair than they do by an emotional one.
Is one type of affair easier for a marriage to bounce back from?
It depends. If both people want their marriage to survive, the key is for the cheating spouse to make sure he earns forgiveness, and not just by saying he’s sorry and showing remorse. He has to do the time-consuming work of listening — for hour after hour, if necessary — to how much and in how many ways he has hurt his spouse. He has to commit to understanding what she needs to feel safe in the future, and to doing those things. And they both have to commit to healing the broken parts of their marriage and revitalizing it. Read Interview
